Tom proves everyone wrong!!!

Its week 15 of TNF and  chairman, sepp Albano took over team selection from coach lector harris . He was busy with a date with the surgeon and going mental watching the mighty reds.  Players started falling like flies on match day and coach sepp albano tried to bring in some new blood to fill the void,the fans were excited with a new signing coming in on deadline but unfortunately the paperwork couldn’t be complete or was it the money on offer just wasn’t enough.

THE GAME.

The teams arrived just before the 9pm ko and coach seppy had managed to even up the teams with a late call up for the young and very tall ginger peter crouch. Alex Holder donned the gloves in the absence of king dong with matt and dazza in defence, ron jon weasly and joel in midfield and the goat up top for the non bibs, dazza was looking rather fetching in the new green D-WANKA shirt.

The bibs lined up with harry styles (now know as casper the friendly ghost and the wearer of the old white D-WANKA shirt next week) seppy and dan the man formed the defence with old man bazza and liam the goal machine in midfield and tom thumb leading the line.

The bibs came out the blocks quickly and caught a over confident non bibs on the hop and leaped into a 3-0 lead through bazza with his 1st goal this year,this  was soon followed up by a fine goal from the goal machine liam running through a ragged defence and then bazza got his 2nd of the night,it must be said that alex was left massively exposed by some dodgy defending by the non bibs.He then made several fine De Gea like saves with his feet to hold the rampaging bibs at bay ,eventually he had to come out of goal after a tame shot from gaol machine melted his chocolate wrists and  mountain matt went between the sticks.

Dazza started the comeback with a well taken goal from the edge of the box after a rebound,thats 3 in 2 goals for the Duracell bunny who again put in a box to box performance and covered 4.6k which started in the town centre and finish in the dark of the car park. The comeback was on and as old man holder started “blowing out of his arse” after his long trip to the USA in pursuit of a contract in the “Has been league of the MLS”. The goat woke up after his late arrival from baby class and problems with a dodgy car alarm to start scoring freely,with,it must be said,a fair bit of help from Casper in goal who’s leg turned into exto plasma with one a goat shot going straight through his leg,was this magic from the goat or was ron weasly waving his wand  again? Shortly after this Casper was at it again,this time dropping a weak effort by goat and then some how throwing it between his legs and into the onion bag 3-3,this is where the 1st signs of bad language appearing”what a D-WANKA” said sepp.Soon the non bibs were stroking it around and getting cocky with shouts of “easy easy”coming from matt in goal,no one was sure if he meant the football or whether it was a reference to dazza late night car park activities. Soon it was 6-3 to the nons with the goat claiming 4 goals. Seppy head was about to explode and he then played like a headless chicken for 10 mins racking up 7k in this period for his team. Then the late tackles started with the goat making the worst one when he stuck a heavy hoof onto holders big toe,thats another toe nail gone,no card was shown. The nons were now showboating and jelly legs joel was playing for time after a soft shot from holders left boot was blocked by joel who went down as if hit with a trident missile. The match then turned on a few points,dan the man said enough of this shite and duly put the goat back in his pocket and the nons goal threat dried up and then after pressure from the ginger whippit,jelly lesg put into his own net ,6-4.The bibs now had there 2nd,3rd and 4th winds and the game started to turn in there favour,holder completed his trick with a drive that deflected off dazza calf then flicked old jelly legs and deceived the mountain man in goal,6-5.Then the goal machine finished coolly to make it 6-6.Dan then ventured forward to try his luck with a header just wide,get back in defence where you belong were the shouts from his team mates. Now the nons were getting frantic and the goat managed to pop out of dans pocket and go in goal freeing up the mountain man to try and do a late demolition job on the bibs and snatch(not a clit flicker reference)a win. To be fair it could have been a different outcome if the young holder had shown the same composure in front of goal as his old man,he picked the ball up out wide on the half way line ,bambozzled the tazmanian devil Marcus with some baymax like skills then powered away and put in a delightful curling shot over the rooted casper only to hit the post for the 3rd time in the match,surely it would have been a GOS contender.

The tension was now at an all time high with the language  and tackles flying about,the magic man upset not only the bibs with a blatent pull on the goal machine when through on goal but also his own team with joel having a few choice words that turned the air blue,a yellow card was the least he deserved. The clock was ticking and a draw was looking likely, Que the top man who had his own isTOMbal moment to end the worst lose streak ever seen at TNF. Holder senior played a reverse ball and tom thumb was there to coolly finish past the hapless goat and then with only a few minutes left he finished again to claim the win for the bibs. The goat and his team mates were left dumbfounded at this amazing turn around,marcus then teased them by playing another minute of injury time before the final whistle was blown.

THE CAR PARK.

The usual gathering took place in the car park but without any eggs or biscuits,sort that out dazza,monies were paid and  alex witnessed some of the worst language his young ear have ever heard,sepp announced”sorry lads I was shite tonight” and then presented casper with the D-WANKA shirt.The mountain man was obviously not a happy man as he paid his fees and promptly left in his van,you could heard his words of “my team were a bunch of c**** tonight” all the way down gypsy lane. Well played bibs and hopefully a few of the players in the treatment room will return.

There was a rumour that there was massive money put on a non bibs win with odds of 66-1 being offered by the TNF bookie and apparently polish dave had sold his car ,house, wife and one son(the non TNF player)and had put the lot on.if anyone has a spare room please let dave know.

I have done my best but I am not up to the granite or journo johns level in reporting,hope I got everything. cheers

ps.alex spent 2 & 1/2 hours in a&e this morning  and has fractured his chocolate wrist.

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Tom proves everyone wrong!!!

France surrenders without a fight (again!)

It’s week 14 of TNF and a trip to the Parc des Princes in Paris for the Champions League Quarter Final first leg, with the PSG Bibs playing at home to the visiting City Shirts.  With TNF strikers dropping like flies, there’s no Goat or Hammer this week, so the teams line up as follows, but as would become evident during the game, Coach Harris had mixed up Oscar and Liam on the team sheet:

IMG-20160407-WA0007

Expectations pre-match were for a low scoring game, with all but one recognised striker out. Joel was stepping into the Goat’s shoes as Zlatan, forgetting that Goats don’t wear shoes.  The home side were clear pre-match favourites on account of being 7 v 5 and a half.

And so to the game.  City were quickly into the attack, retaining possession well and creating numerous chances for Rosler in the opening period.  The German was wasteful though, with Ethan Bats keeping out anything on target.  Young Oscar Lee was relishing the space afforded by the reduced team sizes, and knocking it about well.  PSG were restricted to counterattacks, with Granite Watson and Sepp Phelan snuffing out most danger, with Kev Corrigan playing as sweeper keeper mopping up anything that got through the back line.

Only one team looked like scoring, and eventually the goal came, courtesy of star striker o.g., who’s putting in an appearance near the top of the goals scored column this season. But after that one, City continued to waste opportunities.  Surely PSG would make them pay for this profligacy?  They created a few chances, but Kev was in control, and rescued by the woodwork when Joel Zlatan beat him.

Oscar soon popped up with a second after good work, cutting inside to finish well, with Rosler adding a third soon after.  City in total control, it appeared, but PSG pulled one back with Dazza Makalele’s first of the season.

PSG were looking ragged, as City retained possession well, and Rosler managed a second to make it 4-1.  PSG pulled another one back when the Dong went walkabout and Jon Jerkoff slotted into the empty net.

With the game in the final quarter, Liam Kinkladze came to life.  Sensing that PSG were beaten, he ran directly at Danny Luiz and the rest of the PSG defence, time and again, scoring 4 goals in quick succession, two of them absolute crackers into the roof of the net past keeper Bats.   The pre-match prediction by Granite that there was only one winner of that contest was spot on.

PSG were demoralised, but Makalele managed one more to make the final score 8-3 to City, with the second leg surely a formality after an all round superior performance from a depleted team.

The cheese eating surrender monkeys lived up to their nation’s reputation yet again.

Post match analysis 

A welcome development this week was the absence of handball shouts!

Interviewed after the game, Jerkoff admitted the Bibs were  “chasing shadows all game, not making tackles, not tracking players, not staying in formation, not hitting the target, not making passes, blaming each other (not to feet!!!), lost our heads,lack of effort, lack of passion, no communication .”  Proving that you can lose badly even without Tom.

Phelan for City, never known for his modesty, pointed out that City were superior in every department. Zlatan was very quiet!

Baymax earned the new large green Wanka shirt for glory in defeat with his two goals leading to a beaming smile in the car park later – or was that cos Joel stayed behind with him?  There was no sign of the Baymax basted lamb after his Welsh break last week; where is he keeping it?

Next week sees the return of a few regulars, with the Goat back from Aintree although possibly with poorer eyesight after what he’s seen up there, and Bazza back from the land where washed up footballers end their careers.  Who knew he’d be back?

Enjoy the weekend boys!

 

 

 

 

 

 

France surrenders without a fight (again!)

The Goals that never were

Its unlucky for some week 13 of TNF, and with several regulars absenting themselves overseas, worrying sheep and plastic people respectively, pre-match banter was light this week.  So,let’s take a moment to reflect on week 12 with the players taking on the personas of cartoon characters. By popular acclaim most accurate were in reverse order:

  • Joel as Taz
  • Liam as Dash Parr from the Incredibles
  • Christian as Dr Nefario from Despicable Me, and
  • Dan as Syndrome

Syndrome-Disney_INFINITY

The game was tighter than in recent weeks, but the Bibs tired towards the end. There was drama early on as the floodlights failed. Truly, the Stadium of Night.  Sepp Tigger was back from seeing FIFA “President” Infantino, with World Cup 2026 expected to be in Argentina (you heard it here first!).and being distracted had forgotten to feed the electricity meter. In his absence finding 50 pence pieces, Bambi The Goat scored a worldy, but nobody saw it, not even the Goat. Kev said he might have heard it, but the GOS Committee were having none of it. Disallowed! Wreck It Ralph Coxy returned with a hat trick, while Thor the Hammer was kept quiet by a tight Non-bibs defence. Meanwhile in the Bibs defence Granite was no Mr Incredible and had a ‘mare, earning the Wanka shirt for consistent poor performances in recent weeks.  Final score 7-3 and eggs all round.

And so to week 13, with the teams lining up:

Bibs: Ads, Matt, Dan, Joel, Chris, Dave, Olly.

Shirts: Kev, Granite, Liam, Marcus, Oscar, Tom, Jon, Steve (eventually!).

The Goat had made a convincing pre-match bid to earn the Wanka shirt for next week, with the first ever use of NCT ante-natal class to attend, but he escaped censure, arriving just moments after kick off.  He’ll be wanting to miss games for paternity leave next. Sepp has allegedly denied permission in advance.

In the early exchanges the Shirts were retaining possession well in the opposition half, testing Ads on more than one occasion, without being able to score, with Tom also testing the netting over the cross bar on several occasions.  hH denied being on a trial for Taunton RFC.  But soon Liam “Dash” Edwards fired in an effort and this time Ads was unable to stop it hitting the back of the net. Inevitably, the Bibs then made a breakaway, but Sepp had the situation under control, until gifting the ball to the opposition with a hopeless backpass to the Dong after getting his feet in a Tigger tangle. 1-0, and the easiest goal Edwardski Snr has ever scored.

Not for long though as the Shirts continued to play well, with Granite, renamed “Granules” for the night as he began his rehab from “Dust”, and Sepp keeping the Hammer largely in check.   It was soon to be 2-1 to the Shirts.  The Goat started to find space in behind the opposition defence,  and Granules played the ball into the inside left channel, where the Goat picked it up and despatched it.

Cue the Hammer. A cross from the left, met sweetly on the volley, surely a GOS contender, but it took a slight deflection from Granite into the top right corner. A fine goal, but falling foul of GOS rule 97 (b). Unlucky week 13 for the Hammer!

This was a tight game, with both sides creating plenty of chances. The Goat scored his second, with Edwardski Snr chipping in too to make it 3-3, with 10 minutes left. Cue mini-collapse from the Shirts as a falling out in midfield between the Magic Man and the Man With Whom You Cannot Win a Game, led to misplaced passes/passes not to feet*….except to the opposition, with the Bibs forwards gifted three goals in quick succession, two of them soft headers for the Hammer, to make the final score 6-3 to the Bibs. Hat tricks completed for both the Hammer and Edwardski.

The Shirts will be kicking themselves for losing that one, after a disciplined display for 50 minutes.  It was just like watching Everton FC!

*you choose

Post-match:

In the absence of Baymax, there was a lack of eggs and associated puns this week.  Apparently, he’s barbecuing a Welsh lamb after the match next week for us. That’s what he’s told his wife anyway, after she questioned why there was a live lamb in the boot.

Sepp was awarded the Wanka shirt for gifting the opposition’s first goal. Joe, Matt and Dave top the win streak table with 4 a piece, while Tom is out on his own with 9 losses.  Joe remains top of the league with 71% win ratio, but Dave on 67% is chasing him down, with Matt and Olly not far behind.

Coach Harris may be relieved of team selection duties soon, as he chose 7 of the top 9 in the league table for the Bibs!

The big question of the week.  Will Joe be persuaded back to TNF from Oz next week to sample Baymax’s specially marinated lamb?  Apparently he’s tempted! Watch this space.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Goals that never were

Granite turns to Dust

It’s week 11 of TNF and the second leg of the first ever European fixture between the Bibs (Liverpool) and the Shirts aka non-Bibs (Utd).  Can Pool make a comeback having gained deadly striker Olly, Denis Law last week, Ronnie Rosenthal this week, or will the returning Goat play to his potential as Berbatov for Utd?

The full teams selected once again by the recovering coach Harris:

Bibs: Ads Grobelaar in goal, Granite Hamman & Liam Neal in defence, Joel Ince, Dazza Molby and Tom Rob Jones in midfield, and Olly Rosenthal up top.

Shirts: Kev Schmeical in the goal behind Bazza Pallister and Dan Bruce. The midfield is Jon Scholes, Chris Keane, and Dave Kanchelskis, with Steve The Goat Berbatov up front.

But wait, breaking news from Italy where Sepp has headed to meet new UEFA El Presidente Infantino.  A garbled message reveals Sepp has arranged for the Torino star footballer Immobile to play tonight for the Bibs. That should set the cat amongst the pigeons! Does that man’s influence know no bounds?  But wait another message.  Apparently the first message was misinterpreted.  Sepp was just suggesting the Bibs midfield may be a little static.  we shall see.

And so once again to the Vale, as the other game at Old Trafford is 1-1 at half time, 1-3 on aggregate, here the 1st leg score was 5-3 to the Shirts, so the Bibs need a good start, against a solid looking Utd defence.  Both teams go close early on, but it’s Utd who make the breakthrough, quickly followed by number 2. The Goat looks on form after his rest last week, and its soon 3 as Grobelaar lives up to his reputation allowing the ball through his legs to creep over the line, thus earning the Wanka shirt for next week.  Pool pull one back with a controversial own goal, with Olly Rosenthal using unorthodox wrestling tactics on Bruce.  Doesn’t he know wrestling references are only for pre-match banter?

But any hopes of a comeback are soon turned to dust as Granite Hamman goes chasing the game up front leaving the defence horribly exposed.  The Magic Man ghosts at will through the pool midfield; is that an invisibility cloak he’s wearing?  Christian Keane’s having another solid game in midfield too. For Pool, Dazza Molby is  solid, but Tom is Immobile after all!

The Goat is definitely channeling his inner Berbatov here finishing with great accuracy, and racking up a double hat trick.  With goals from Scholes and Kanchelskis as well, Utd score 11 in total as Pool fall apart.  Bruce has had Rosenthal in his pocket all night, but near the end as Utd relax, Pool manage 3 more to make the score slightly less embarrassing.

Final score 11-4, and 16-7 on aggregate.

Post match analysis 

Jaffa cakes all round as the teams reflected on the game.  Granite had made a consistent bid for the Wanka shirt with his non-performance, but Ad’s clanger won the day. The Goat basked in the glory of his double hat trick, while everyone else reflected that he’d used up his goals allowance for the next few weeks at least. It was a triumphant game for the United Shirts, but a Vale of Despair for the Pool Bibs.

Enjoy what is left of the weekend boys!

 

 

 

 

Granite turns to Dust

It’s all kicking off

And so once again we head off to the Stadium of Night for the much awaited and first time ever meeting of the Bibs v The Shirts in European Competition, in the first match of a two-legged tie to be completed next week (that should fuck up your tables Marcus!).  Apparently there was another game on elsewhere watched by the absent Goat and Coach Harris, shacked up around an iPad in the Goat’s stable, but as entertainment goes it wasn’t a patch on events at the Vale.

Pre-match banter

Coach Harris took his time announcing the teams, under immense pressure and clearly concerned to avoid the indignity of having the Wanka shirt/Steve McLaren umbrella delivered to his house by an upset Uncle Bazza.   So on the dot of 2pm, the teamsheets were published.  The Bibs lined up:

Kev Clemence “, Ads Carragher , Barry Hansen, Liam Heighway, Tom Rob Jones  , Dazza Molby, Ethan Barnes , Jon McManaman

Facing them the Shirts aka Non-bibs, with a guest Polish keeper:

Dave ‘Tomaczevski’ Edwards, Marcus Irwin, Matt Bruce , Stew Kidd, Joel G Neville, Christian Ince , Dan Scholes, Olly Law.

(Thanks to www.11v11.com )

Coach Harris’s positions were being liberally interpreted early on, as the players adopted their Utd and Pool player characteristics.  A fiery game was in prospect, as well as dodgy positional play.  Granite seemed particularly confused abandoning his usual left back position in a failed attempt at forward play.  Others were much more successful in their adopted skins.  Kev in goal for Pool excelled early on with Clemence like form, repelling all comers, with the help of bar and post, much to the frustration of Utd, who soon found themselves behind as Tom Rob Jones slotted in coolly to make it 1-0.  The pattern of the game was unchanged with Matt Bruce playing at the back keeping Pool quiet.

Incredibly, it was soon 2-0 to Pool.  Tomaczevski was playing the clown at times, and was beaten again with a fine passing move finished off by Jon MagicManaman.

Time for a response, but not before Christian Ince got fully into character, mouthing off at Bruce and calling him a c*!t for misplacing a pass inches from his toes. To be fair Ince knows a c*!t when he sees one (©The Goat).  Joel Neville is tempted to join in, but instead shoots at goal, misses but with a cruel spin hitting the back of Clemence, the ball is somehow in the onion bag. 2-1.  The fightback is on, and Olly Law is soon on target with a screamer from distance into the top corner.  Clemence didn’t see that one. 2-2 and momentum with Utd now.

Barry Hansen’s looking unhappy at the back.  “You can’t win anything with Tom”, he cried!  The stats don’t lie, and Matt Bruce rises at the back stick to power in a header, 3-2.

Pool attempt a comeback down the left, but Joel Neville is in position to clear up the danger before Tom Rob Jones can take the ball under control. So Jones bites Neville’s ankles and Neville’s not slow to react.  Marcus Irwin has to step in to keep the players apart, but no cards are shown by a lenient ref.

Back to the football action, and Utd consolidate their lead as Olly Law fires Utd into a 3 goal lead, completing his hat trick.  With moments to go, Ethan Barnes spins round Kidd, and goes on a Messi like run before curling the ball beautifully around Tomaczevski to make it 5-3.

Post Match

As the players resumed their usual identities, the Wanka shirt was initially awarded to Sepp for playing on, rounding the keeper, then missing the goal completely after the game had been stopped.  But, he’s away next week in Italy meeting Infantino to make sure he knows about the secret account.  Coach Harris was nominated, and Dazza tried it on for size, looking like Condom Man, but in the end it went to the Magic Man for an attempted kick at Christian which missed.

Tom is approaching the record lose streak, while Olly is set to top the table next week. Same side for those two next week, with Bazza and Dazza on the opposition (got that Harris!!!)

Remember – second leg next week!   Enjoy the weekend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s all kicking off

Vale of Tears

Pre-Match Banter

Week 9 of TNF, and lots of pre-match banter setting the scene for the annual Sport Relief match. Bam Bam Baymax was first up with his morning pre-match meal of ginormous proportions.  Clearly this man was getting ready to run miles tonight.  The teams were in late morning, with 7 v 8 and Coach Harris setting out the teams with wrestling style matchups. Top of the Bill was Matt ‘The Hatchet’ Cox v Sepp Albano in a return grudge match.  The supporting bill being The Pussy Tickler & Ron Weasley v Hollywood Tom, Polish Dave and Bam Bam Baymax. Finishing the bill the two strikers, the Hammer versus the Goat.  Who would come out on top?

But with just over 9 hours to kick off Ads crawls off his sick bed to make up the numbers.  Harris resists any urge to even up the talent with the numbers,much to Criddle’s disgust! SHOCKING TEAM SELECTION shouts The Man About Town. “Fucking great hole in the middle for the explosive Hammer to exploit, ” he claimed.  Sepp weighed in too, but Harris could not be moved. With the teams settled, much bravado ensued from the Shirts, but would Criddle’s prediction come true?  Baymax enjoyed his second pre-match meal of the day – would he be able to move at all with that much fuel on board?

The Game

With rain threatening on a perfect evening for football, the teams gathered at the Stadium of Night.  The Bibs lined up with King Dong Kev in goal once again, behind a solid looking back three of Uncle Bazza, The Hatchet and Dan, with Ads the base of the diamond,  The Pussy Tickler and Magic Man through the middle with the Hammer the lone striker.

Facing them, the non-Bibs aka The Shirts, Ethan Styles in goal behind three full backs (what could possibly go wrong) in Granite, Criddle and Sepp, a midfield duo of Tom and Dazza (what could possibly go wrong), with Polish Dave and The Goat up front (what could possibly go wrong).

With the game underway, the pattern of play quickly became apparent, as The Shirts struggled to gain any possession, and  found themselves under constant pressure from the Bibs midfield and attack.  The Magic Man was back on form, and the home defence was having difficulty coping without a recognised centre back.  The breakthrough came soon enough from the Hammer, who was to have a productive evening, despite the heroics of Styles in goal, with one particularly notable save from a point blank header from the Hammer.  It was soon 3-0 courtesy of the Hammer and Weasley.  It was already looking like a long evening for the Shirts.  But wait, up pops Lewandowski with a  flukey volley, after Granite with the assist joined the attack. 3-1.  Is the comeback on?

No!!

The Man About Town is already pissed off, when he approaches Christian with intent.  The whistle blows.  Free Kick.  “What for”, demands Criddle. “Tickling the Pussy without a licence, ” says the ref.  Wouldn’t have been a free kick if anyone else though.  Bad omens for The Shirts as indiscipline costs them dear.  The top of the bill grudge match never amounted to anything, with the notable foul of the evening being Dave on Dan, a real cruncher.With the defence all at sea, the midfield static and the forwards demanding service, the Shirts resorted to the long ballgame to no great effect.

The Bibs took advantage tearing through the home defence at will, racking up another 7 goals in total with just one more in reply from the Pole. All this despite The Goat dropping back to defensive duties at 6 down and not a moment too soon.  Six to the Hammer, as he lived up to Criddle’s pre-match prediction, 3 from Weasley and even the Pussy Tickler popping up with one near the end.   Final score 10 (TEN)- 2.  All too easy for the Bibs and a shocking night for the Shirts, with a record home defeat.

Post Match Analysis

Despite the pre-match bravado, this was a predictable result, as Criddle’s words were proved all too accurate, with the Hammer having a  field day.  Sepp’s head nearly exploded with frustration!  Coach Harris, after a promising start last week, has revealed his Brendan Rogers tendencies, so he’ll need to up his game next week, or don the Wanka shirt in week 11.

Ads leads the win streak table with 5, with Tom on 6 consecutive losses.  The Hammer is already threatening Joe’s top spot in the league table, now that the Homeless Man has departed these shores.

The post match gathering was curtailed as the heavens opened.  A Vale of  Tears then  for the Shirts aka the Shites, for this week at least.  Happiness though for Uncle Bazza as the sponsored all night car park session in aid of Sport Relief with Baymax was postponed due to the inclement weather.  Criddle takes the Wanka shirt next week for “Pussy Pissy of the Week” and Sepp has a quiet word with Coach Harris regarding the finer arts of team selection.

Have a great weekend boys!

 

 

 

Vale of Tears

Testosterone 1-Football 0

And so we find ourselves once again at the sporting mecca that is the Vale, as the teams assemble for the final game of February 2016, the leap year when traditionally the ‘lady’ can propose.  With the Homeless Man’s transfer Down Under confirmed, Holder J’s preparation had been meticulous, determined to go out with a bang, although whether the threesome with two blondes in the morning met with new coach Harris’s approval is doubtful.

The team selections were in early, but the Goat risked being dropped by an angry coach Harris, as he caused confusion with his glove talk.  The professionalism of TNF grows by the week, with Harris showing managerial promise with not just balanced team selections, but clear positional instructions to the players. This coach is not to be messed with.  The Goat was warned!

The Bibs line up: Ethan Styles in goal with a solid back line of Matt ‘Angelface’ Cox, Uncle Bazza and Dan, with Dazza in the holding role, and  Jon Weasley as playmaker. Upfront the Hammer, flanked by the Goat and Tom.

The Non-bibs:  King Dong in goal, a back three of Sepp, Adam and Granite, Joel in central midfield flanked by Liam and Chris, with the Homeless Man and Lewandowski upfront.

There was clearly something in the air tonight. Man About Town Criddle was wearing a skintight black number though he had resisted the temptation to wear a snood, while King Dong Kev in goal for the non-Bibs was sporting a platinum blonde wig. Was he on the pull?

The opening exchanges were scrappy, with misplaced passes galore, and both teams going close, but the breakthrough came early with Joe firing in a low shot past Styles for the non-Bibs. This man was on a mission – to be top of the table for the season.

The Magic Man was being held in check by an impressive performance from Criddle. Had he snapped his wand early doors?  Criddle tested Styles with a shot heading towards the top corner, but in truth it lacked power to really test the keeper, but the 1D star wasn’t about to let that get in the way of one for the cameras and the millions watching worldwide through the miracle of the TNFblogcam.

The Bibs created an opening down the left, with the ball breaking right to Tom, the  keeper stranded, but with the goal at his mercy he spooned it over. “Wanka”, called the crowd!  Ad had the Hammer under control, with the attacks coming down the left flank.  A loose ball in the box had keeper Dong scrambling to gather the ball, with the Goat bearing down on his arse. “Back door, Goat”‘ went up the cry, but even with the blonde wig, the Goat just couldn’t do it.  The ref deployed the Jizz detector, just in case.

Half time: 1-0 to the non-Bibs.

Into the second half and its soon 2-0. Holder again, played through  with an awkward ball from Granite who was up and down the left like the Labour Party trying to find a purpose. Nice control from Holder and a neat finish. But very quickly, the Bibs pull one back through the Hammer.  There’s a sense of deja vu all over again. Are they going to throw it away again?  Gifting the ball to the Bibs in their own half several times, it looks like it, but order is soon restored.

Granite lofts the ball into the box and for once finds the head of Lewandowski, who tests Styles in the goal before dispatching the rebound into the onion bag. 3-1.  The Hammer responds again and with the home defence stretched he fires in the second. 3-2.  This could go either way and its end to end stuff.  But with the Bibs pressing for an equaliser Holder and Lewandowski counter with the Pole finishing neatly. 4-2.

Recriminations in the away forward line as they realise the game is slipping away.  The Bibs are giving fishwives a bad name here.  It’s not pretty and it’s about to get a lot worse as the testosterone-charged atmosphere leads to some hefty tackles with The Man About Town taking punishment from Tom, but taking out the Goat twice in quick succession.  The Goat doesn’t move (even less than usual).   The referee calls for the screens.  Is it the end for the Goat… but no there are signs of life as he realises some bastard has taken his free kick FFS. There’s still time for him to score… and he does.  Or does he?  That’s going to be one for the dubious goals panel to decide.  Possible own goal from Criddle.

Its still end to end stuff, and Granite somehow finds himself on the right wing with Angelface bearing down on him. Time for a neat turn and pass to Edwardski, who was so shocked by the skill from Granite that he fluffed the finish.  Granite still hasn’t got a clue what he did there.

And there the game ended, and not a moment too soon as the testosterone-fuelled antics towards the end threatened to get out of control.  4-3 to the non-bibs but football was the winner. The Homeless Man ended the night and his season top of the table – mission accomplished.

In the changing rooms after the game there was an unusually wide selection of goodies, with Moams chews, creme egg biscuits and real eggs too.  The Wanka shirt was awarded to Styles for showboating, with Tom just missing out for one of the misses of the season.  Most of the players departed, but the testosterone could not be denied as Bazza and Dazza aka Elton and David stayed long into the night to take advantage of the Leap Year tradition under a moonlit sky.  But who proposed to whom? They’ll be sore tomorrow.

Enjoy the weekend boys!

 

 

 

Testosterone 1-Football 0