Bring on the Clowns

Stop Press…….Journo Granite facing disciplinary hearing over delayed match reports…charges expected later…watch this space. Chairman Sepp unavailable for comment, but it is known the much missed Journo Harris is due back in action soon.

It’s already week 18 of TNF, but Coach Joel has apparently retired from selection duties with a 100% record of well matched teams.  So well matched no one knows if last week’s result was a 5-4 win or a 5-5 draw! So Joel goes out on top, with Bazza in charge this week, hoping that Joel’s masterful selection process involving old pen and paper-based technology could be repeated.  Supercharged with beetroot juice, he chose the scrappiest piece of paper he could find to present the teams which lined up as follows:

Bibs: Ads, Bazza, Dan, Christian, Kev and Dave

Shirts: Matt, Granite, Sepp, Dazza, Joel and Jon C

Next weeks teams may be presented on the cardboard liner from a toilet roll.


With The Goat still absent on parenting duties, and the Hammer missing, striking talent looked in short supply, with the Bibs hoping that Polish Dave had returned to play like Lewandowski, not Tomaszewski. Ads was carrying an injury, so Kev returned to the defence.  Pre-match bantz returned after a break to pre-match meals, with controversy over whether to go for the red or the brown. At least I hope they were talking about food.

The Game

With player numbers still limited, both teams were invited to play sweeper-keepers, with Ads getting straight in to the role. Of a clown that is, with a comedy collapse as the ball passed his tangled feet, after a shot from distance by Jon C caught him off guard. 1-0. The press photographers almost missed the action, with the only available shot capturing Ads feet just before the ball passed.


But this was to be the high spot for the Shirts as the Bibs proceeded to run riot with Coach Bazza’s  hand-picked heroes running rings around the Shirts, with the returning Pole in top form, holding the ball up well and linking with willing runners in the midfield.  It’s like he’d never been away. The Shirts were horribly exposed time and again, with Coxy growing redder with fury by the minute. With the score at halfway already 6-1, it was time for a keeper change, with Granite donning the gloves.

We’d already seen comedy keeping at the other end, but Ads had recovered well making several fine saves. The Shirts had had no shortage of efforts on goal, or perhaps more accurately at the perimeter fence, but were failing to find the net. Once again the Bibs were on the attack with Dave  through on the left, and a fine finish into the top left corner, waved through by the keeper. To be followed by a left footer which although close to the keeper had the pace to beat him low down.

8-1 and surely all over.  But there is a mini-revival as Coxy takes charge up front, with Jon C pulling two back. But it’s a false dawn as once again Dave has Granite to beat. He fires inside the right post, but Granite somehow gets down to push it onto the post. It rebounds onto the keeper and trickles back into the net. Bring on the Clowns indeed!

There’s still time for more comedy gold as Bazza lines up  a pile driver and let’s fly only for his follow through to catch Joel’s steel-tipped elbow right on the knee. Bazza’a in agony, while Joel adds another notch to his shinpad.

And there’s more, as the recovered Bazza is through and lines up one final piledriver aiming plumb for the keeper’s plums. A look of horror crosses Granite’s face as he realises that tonight’s slow signalling from brain to hands means he knows what’s coming, but may not be able to stop it. Luckily, he gets a hand almost to the balls, and for once tonight a shot fails to do serious damage.

Granite will be bringing new gloves next week if required in goal:


Final score: 10-4 (Bazza 4, Dave 3, Christian 2, OG 1; Jon C 3, Marcus 1)


The Dubious Goals panel decided the post ricochet goal should be awarded to OG, despite cash payments to Bazza (memo to Dave: cash payments only permitted to Sepp). The Wanka shirt was a dual award to the keepers Stew and Ads for top class clowning.





Bring on the Clowns

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