The John Harris Vas Deferens Memorial Trophy

Its week 16 of TNF, with Granite doing the prematch report,  and as it’s a quiet week in Europe, we have a top class domestic fixture for you.  Arsenal v Spurs competing for the John Harris Vas Deferens Memorial Trophy, a beautiful pair of stainless steel scissors atop a pair of golden plums.

Coach Harris had been relieved of his duties, as according to Chariman Sepp, he hasn’t got the balls for the job any more.  Coach Edwardski stepped into the breach at the last minute, and lost no time in learning from the master Sepp by inviting payments for team selection.  In the pre-match banter The Goat took a terrible beating, as it appeared he’d left the country, until popping up after team selection to confirm his place, much to the new coaches’ annoyance. Matt Cox was peddling grass online, while the Coach had discovered a rather dubious film online featuring the Goat (allegedly) in “Use the Back Door.”

Here’s how the teams lined up:


The Arsenal team took their player roles most seriously with Ethan mimicking the Seaman hairstyle, and Jon C the spitting image of Perry Groves.  For Spurs, Dan Roberts paid tribute to the artist formerly known as Prince with a bright purple shirt, while Joel Gascoigne just played the piss artist.

So on a beautiful evening for football with the Stadium of Night bathed in moonlight the teams kicked off.  Let’s go over to your match commentator Uncle Bazza….

Match report

So the team talks had taken place and everyone was ready for a tight match.Both teams lined up as the absent coach Edwardski had planned and they kicked off.

Both teams were playing a pass and move style with some slick passing and lots of movement,that lasted all of 2 minutes and then normal play was resumed with plenty of long balls and miss placed passes and poor control. After 10 minutes the usual quote of “this has the look of a 0-0″ was the cue for Matt Mackey to temporarily changed his name to gazza,he picked the ball in his own half weaved past Dazza Dixon,tricked his way past groves and winterburn and then fired his team into the lead with a quality toe punt finish into seamans bottom. Oops sorry bottom CORNER 1-0.

Chances came and went for both sides with Olly Henry having several good shots saved by the ever reliable King dong clemence making his come back with some amazing saves,is it fair though considering the king has three legs,the tripod like keeper said”I just use any body part I can🍌”

The match continued in its usual poor standard until Joel gascoigne got on the ball,with quick feet he turned the ageing bazza vieria inside out on the edge of the box and fired the bibs into a 2-0 lead.

Winterburn playing in,well,basically every position on the pitch picked the ball up on the right moved forward with a determined run before smashing a right foot thunderbolt into the net,there was a shout of”that’s how you finish Olly” game on 2-1.seaman in the gunners goal was back in form with some impressive saves from the goat and gazza which kept his team in the contest.

The next bit of TNF gold was performed by the magic right foot of Dazza Dixon with a deft chipped ball into the bibs box which was headed over the King by the ginger “leaping salmon”groves,surely a GOS contender.2-2. Step forward steve ‘the goat’Greaves ,who after twisting and turning so many times he nearly turned up his own arse,unleashed an unstoppable shot to put the bibs 3-2 up. The bibs were now using the extra man well with tom Reid being given plenty of the ball,old man vieria was now blowing out of his arse chasing the trio of Ericksen,gazza and Reid in midfield,the next goal was a moment of class,but one that winterburn will want to forget,a cross from the right was causing no problem for the nons defence,Marcus tried a volley back past to seaman only to see it loop over the long haired keepers head and nestle into the net⚽️ 4-2,this of course earned him the D-WANKA shirt for a record 3rd time.

The nons were now in trouble,vieria,groves and henry were raining shots on the dongs goal but a combination of very poor finishing and some heroic blocks from Roberts,Mackay and perrymen keep the gunners at bay. Bazza vieria now was nearly dead and called for the extra man and with only 18 minutes left on the clock,greaves defected from the Spurs to the gunners,he was now a goat possessed and seemed to gain some new found strength stroking the ball home from the left side with his 1st touch for his new team,4-3,shouts from the Spurs players on their thoughts of the goat man are not printable.

The bibs were on the rocks now and winterburn redeemed himself with his 3rd of the night,this time a cracking left foot finish at the right end to bring the scores level,4-4 bazza got a little bit too excited at this wonder goal and nearly filled the totaliser all by himself.

Matt Mackay now had to start pushing forward into midfield to try and help the lonely gazza up front and ended up in a titanic battle wth Dixon which seemed to go on for ever,the rest of the players on both sides just stood back and let the two of them play out the weirdest game of twister ever seen,Dixon came out on top this time but both players had to be checkout with the jizz detector after the game. Now with Matt a spent force Olly Henry shook off the rustiness of missing several weeks to coolly finish under perrymen who had taken the gloves from dong clemence after sustaining another injury,5-4.Perry groves then got his 2nd of the night dancing through the defence and slotting a shot past perrymen 6-4 and the gunners were now as rampant as coach Harris will be once recovered from his op🍒😳.

Henry then fired in his 2nd goal and the bibs were now in pieces,7-4.King clem did manage a couple mazey runs and Danny Roberts tried one from distance which nearly cost him a pound but all this nonsense was soon snuffed out by the solid Brady at the back who then started another attack and fed the goat and well we all know what happens when you “feed the goat”8-4 and game over.

There was just one more chance on the night,bazza vieria pumped a high ball forward towards the goat “that will test his control” mocked winterburn,the goat in one motion killed it then play a delicious ball into the box for Henry,surely if he scores this will be top of the GOS list,so Henry meets it square on the biscuit tin,its a goal and his hat-trick,yes??? No!!! Henry fluffed it and header over the bar😂 the final whistle and an 8-4 win for the Gunners.
There was the usual gathering of tired limbs with Bantz a plenty,especially for the goat who hadn’t read what’s app all day and had 108 messages,mainly giving him grief,to catch up Harris sore plums were a big topic and Brady and winterburn had verbals over a new points scoring table for TNF,winterburn finish the discussion in a mature way,telling Liam Brady to f*+**+* do one. The D-WANKA shirt was presented and rumour is that if you win it 3 times you get to keep it.players then departed as again Dazza had failed to deliver any eggs out of the back of a hen and no biscuits were on offer.As always football was the winner and see you all next week for more fun and frolics at TNF
Happy totalising.

And to finish off the evening a resounding chorus to mark the awarding of the John Harris Vas Deferens Trophy, of “Every Sperm is Sacred.

The John Harris Vas Deferens Memorial Trophy

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