Vale of Tears

Pre-Match Banter

Week 9 of TNF, and lots of pre-match banter setting the scene for the annual Sport Relief match. Bam Bam Baymax was first up with his morning pre-match meal of ginormous proportions.  Clearly this man was getting ready to run miles tonight.  The teams were in late morning, with 7 v 8 and Coach Harris setting out the teams with wrestling style matchups. Top of the Bill was Matt ‘The Hatchet’ Cox v Sepp Albano in a return grudge match.  The supporting bill being The Pussy Tickler & Ron Weasley v Hollywood Tom, Polish Dave and Bam Bam Baymax. Finishing the bill the two strikers, the Hammer versus the Goat.  Who would come out on top?

But with just over 9 hours to kick off Ads crawls off his sick bed to make up the numbers.  Harris resists any urge to even up the talent with the numbers,much to Criddle’s disgust! SHOCKING TEAM SELECTION shouts The Man About Town. “Fucking great hole in the middle for the explosive Hammer to exploit, ” he claimed.  Sepp weighed in too, but Harris could not be moved. With the teams settled, much bravado ensued from the Shirts, but would Criddle’s prediction come true?  Baymax enjoyed his second pre-match meal of the day – would he be able to move at all with that much fuel on board?

The Game

With rain threatening on a perfect evening for football, the teams gathered at the Stadium of Night.  The Bibs lined up with King Dong Kev in goal once again, behind a solid looking back three of Uncle Bazza, The Hatchet and Dan, with Ads the base of the diamond,  The Pussy Tickler and Magic Man through the middle with the Hammer the lone striker.

Facing them, the non-Bibs aka The Shirts, Ethan Styles in goal behind three full backs (what could possibly go wrong) in Granite, Criddle and Sepp, a midfield duo of Tom and Dazza (what could possibly go wrong), with Polish Dave and The Goat up front (what could possibly go wrong).

With the game underway, the pattern of play quickly became apparent, as The Shirts struggled to gain any possession, and  found themselves under constant pressure from the Bibs midfield and attack.  The Magic Man was back on form, and the home defence was having difficulty coping without a recognised centre back.  The breakthrough came soon enough from the Hammer, who was to have a productive evening, despite the heroics of Styles in goal, with one particularly notable save from a point blank header from the Hammer.  It was soon 3-0 courtesy of the Hammer and Weasley.  It was already looking like a long evening for the Shirts.  But wait, up pops Lewandowski with a  flukey volley, after Granite with the assist joined the attack. 3-1.  Is the comeback on?


The Man About Town is already pissed off, when he approaches Christian with intent.  The whistle blows.  Free Kick.  “What for”, demands Criddle. “Tickling the Pussy without a licence, ” says the ref.  Wouldn’t have been a free kick if anyone else though.  Bad omens for The Shirts as indiscipline costs them dear.  The top of the bill grudge match never amounted to anything, with the notable foul of the evening being Dave on Dan, a real cruncher.With the defence all at sea, the midfield static and the forwards demanding service, the Shirts resorted to the long ballgame to no great effect.

The Bibs took advantage tearing through the home defence at will, racking up another 7 goals in total with just one more in reply from the Pole. All this despite The Goat dropping back to defensive duties at 6 down and not a moment too soon.  Six to the Hammer, as he lived up to Criddle’s pre-match prediction, 3 from Weasley and even the Pussy Tickler popping up with one near the end.   Final score 10 (TEN)- 2.  All too easy for the Bibs and a shocking night for the Shirts, with a record home defeat.

Post Match Analysis

Despite the pre-match bravado, this was a predictable result, as Criddle’s words were proved all too accurate, with the Hammer having a  field day.  Sepp’s head nearly exploded with frustration!  Coach Harris, after a promising start last week, has revealed his Brendan Rogers tendencies, so he’ll need to up his game next week, or don the Wanka shirt in week 11.

Ads leads the win streak table with 5, with Tom on 6 consecutive losses.  The Hammer is already threatening Joe’s top spot in the league table, now that the Homeless Man has departed these shores.

The post match gathering was curtailed as the heavens opened.  A Vale of  Tears then  for the Shirts aka the Shites, for this week at least.  Happiness though for Uncle Bazza as the sponsored all night car park session in aid of Sport Relief with Baymax was postponed due to the inclement weather.  Criddle takes the Wanka shirt next week for “Pussy Pissy of the Week” and Sepp has a quiet word with Coach Harris regarding the finer arts of team selection.

Have a great weekend boys!




Vale of Tears

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